The Selfish Act of Forgiveness
Often when we think of forgiveness we think of letting someone, “getting away” with something or, “getting off Scott-free”. Forgiveness is not about ignoring the fact we were hurt. It is not about setting yourself up to get hurt again. Forgiveness is not reconciliation or changing your mind about what is best for you. Forgiveness is not even something we do to enhance the life of another. It is, in one sense, a very selfish act.
A wise man once said, “Resentment is a poison one takes hoping to harm another.”
If we really look at what the lack of forgiveness does to us, we notice the emotional internal pain we inflict on ourselves. Long-held resentment can lead to physical symptoms as well; muscle tension, migraines, high blood pressure, poor concentration, sleep and appetite disturbances, and a suppressed immune system, to name a few.
Another important reason to learn to forgive, is as a model for children. Children do as we do, not as we say. If you can’t forgive for yourself and your own serenity, then forgiving as a life-lesson for your children may be the reason you need. When children see us do things that are extremely difficult, it makes an impression. Children then believe that they also are able to overcome difficult emotional situations and find the best possible solution for their own peace of mind. Most of the movies and games children are exposed to glorify retaliation and holding grudges. Your real-life modeling can have a great impact on their own ability to forgive and not carry insults and betrayals throughout life.
Forgiving is not endorsing what the offender did, or pretending that consequences aren’t deserved. But in forgiving we place the quality and serenity of our own life above what may be warranted for another. It is difficult to put down resentment. It is not in our nature to accept when things are not “fair”. Sometimes we fear we will be placing ourselves in vulnerability again if we forgive and try to forget.
Empowering questions we need to ask ourselves are; “Am I willing to give away more of my life to the person who offended me? Do they really deserve all this energy and attention? Do I choose to give them more of my thoughts, energy, passion and focus? What am I taking away from those I love by holding on to this grudge? Who am I really ‘making pay’ for my anger?”
Hate attaches us to the object of our focus. In one way, resentment is as bonding of an emotion as love. We become emotionally connected to the despised object when we dwell on rage and thoughts of retaliation. The intensity of focus and connection is similar to when we dwell on all the adorable qualities of someone we love. Resentment may be an uncomfortable feeling but it is impossible to completely disconnect emotionally from some one whom you hate and despise. Forgiveness is the knife that can sever that attachment and free up passionate energy to go into your dreams, goals, children, new relationship, new career, etc.
We choose to forgive. No one earns forgiveness. No one “deserves” forgiveness, because we can’t turn back time and have the offense (or offenses) not take place. Forgiveness is a decision we make to enhance the quality of our own life.
Forgiveness is not moving our boundaries and allowing the offender to continue to hurt us. We are still responsible to respectfully, assertively and with dignity set our boundaries and care for our emotional and physical safety.
For instance, if you have been in a physically abusive relationship and your partner refuses to get treatment or work on anger management skills, forgiveness means “releasing from debt,” not moving back in or taking the restraining order off. It does mean not dwelling on what you are “owed”, or bringing up how horribly you were treated every opportunity that arises. It means standing outside a victim perspective and asking yourself what things you admire in yourself that kept you alive (caring for children, maintaining the house or a job, establishing friendships, etc). It means giving yourself credit for who you have become for having gone through this experience. It means first forgiving yourself for being in the situation. Then, after you have been kind to yourself for awhile, you will then have the compassion to begin forgiving others.
Forgiveness is a process, is it not an event. In Clarissa Estes’ book, “Women Who Run With the Wolves”, she describes four phases of forgiving.
The first is “to forgo—to leave it alone”; this is to take a break from thinking about the other person for awhile. This allows us to gather strength in other areas of life and keeps us from becoming exhausted and immobilized.
A good way to do this is when thoughts of resentment come to mind say, “next”, and refuse to dwell on the anger and bitterness. Acknowledge the thought and let it pass on through your mind without “feeding” it.
The second is “to forbear—to abstain from punishing”. This is to restrain ourselves from punitive mutterings, gossip or acting in hostile ways. It is to practice the generosity of refraining from retaliation.
When we begin this phase we may need to stop ourselves in mid-sentence, or retract an absolute “no” that we just gave in retaliation for our emotional pain. It is not easy to stop gossiping, whining and “making them pay”. Give yourself credit when you notice yourself holding back from participating in these behaviors.
The third is “ to forget—to avert from memory, to refuse to dwell”. This is not to have a blank memory, but it is to have the person and events move to the background rather than stay in the foreground of your mind. It is to consciously distract yourself when you start ruminating about the person.
And the fourth is “ to forgive—to abandon the debt.” Forgiveness is not surrender. It is a conscious decision to stop harboring resentment, and giving up your resolve to retaliate.
To write off the debt takes generosity of spirit. It takes a great deal of self-love and knowing that you are whole and complete without ever having things be “fair,” in regards to the one who offended you. To forgive the debt means you are not diminished by the actions of the other. You are powerful and lovable without the repayment of this debt.
A final stage is to give up the right to ever hold the betrayal over the other’s head. Giving up the right to ever bring up the subject again. It means you choose to never use it as a weapon again. This completely frees you from the hold of grudges and resentment.
The highest stage of forgiveness, and one that is not always available, is to give compassionate assistance to the person who betrayed you. This doesn’t mean placing yourself in physical or emotional danger. Nor does it mean to force yourself on another person, or to give past your point of resentment. What it does mean, is that given an opportunity to provide help, you do so without judgement and with mercy and kindness, remembering the strong centered person you have become.
Ways to start forgiving include, “putting the resentment down for a time”. This could be for an hour, a day or a week. But give your mind some time off so you have time to build another identity and have other memories to draw from. When we live in rage and resentment it is difficult to attract kind and loving people to us. Usually who will find us are other angry bitter people, “misery loves company.”
As you begin to forgive remember that on no day did you ever wake up and think, “How can I really mess up my life today?” When you understand this has always been true for you, you will then begin to realize it is also true for all those in your life. Each day we make the best choices we can with the options we see available to us. Sometimes fear, self-doubt, habits, addictions and ignorance narrow our view of what is available.
Forgiveness is an art. It is something we practice daily, from forgiving the driver that cut in front of us, to the injustices inflicted on us by well-meaning but uniformed parents. Making a commitment to ourselves to practice forgiveness, is one of the most powerful ways to bring peace and tranquility into our lives. You can begin sleeping better, having a normal appetite, laughing more, creating spontaneity, and attracting fun-loving people into your life today. All you need to do is take time daily to remind yourself of your commitment to forgiveness.
You can do this by journaling, writing letters you never send, meditating, praying, walking in nature, participating in group support, talking with a friend, reading books or listening to inspirational tapes. Finding ways to rejuvenate spiritually will also help remind you there is a bigger order to the world, you are not alone, and you are important, safe and protected. Even if you have never considered yourself a forgiving person you can begin changing your self-definition today.
Remember, the love and forgiveness you put out into the world will come back to you ten fold.
© 2005 Lois V. Nightingale, Ph.D. psychologist 9503. Dr. Nightingale is the director of the Nightingale Center in Yorba Linda, Calif. She is a Clinical Psychologist and Marriage, Family and Child Therapist. www.nightingalecenter.com (714) 993-5343
Exercise letter (not to send!)
Dear ____________________________,
If only:
__________________________________________________________________________
__________________________________________________________________________
__________________________________________________________________________
I wish you had:
__________________________________________________________________________
__________________________________________________________________________
__________________________________________________________________________
Things I wanted to tell you but didn’t:
1) __________________________________________________________________________
__________________________________________________________________________
__________________________________________________________________________
Ways you betrayed me include:
__________________________________________________________________________
__________________________________________________________________________
__________________________________________________________________________
I am angry at you because:
__________________________________________________________________________
__________________________________________________________________________
__________________________________________________________________________
I have sadness about:
__________________________________________________________________________
__________________________________________________________________________
__________________________________________________________________________
I am grateful to you for:
__________________________________________________________________________
__________________________________________________________________________
__________________________________________________________________________
Things my resentment has taken from me:
__________________________________________________________________________
__________________________________________________________________________
__________________________________________________________________________
Things I wish for you:
__________________________________________________________________________
__________________________________________________________________________
__________________________________________________________________________
Gifts I am incorporating into my life from my relationship with you:
__________________________________________________________________________
__________________________________________________________________________
__________________________________________________________________________
____________________________________,
___________________________________
© 2004 Lois V. Nightingale, Ph.D. Dr. Nightingale, psychologist psy9503, is the director of the Nightingale Center in Yorba Linda, Calif. (714) 993-5343, www.NightingaleCenter.com
How Do I refer someone for therapy?
Sometimes I am asked how people can recommend therapy to someone they care about who is in emotional pain. It may be uncomfortable to say, “I’m in therapy and finding great results”, or “You really ought to see a psychologist”. It may be easier to say, “I know of a therapist who specializes in treating _______” (anxiety, depression, relationship issues, addictions, etc.). Or, I have heard of a local therapist who has written about _______”. Just letting someone know where he or she can obtain more information about an emotional problem, can provide a step toward getting help.
You might also recommend looking at the increasing resources available on the Internet. On Dr. Nightingale’s website site there are anxiety and depression questionnaires for people wondering about their symptoms. This site also has free articles, including one on how to choose a therapist. Tell him or her that financial arrangements can be made by calling the therapist’s office. Often office staff will explain different payment methods, what the fees are for individual therapists, what if any discounts are available for paying at the time of visit, and may even check on insurance benefits for potential clients.
Therapy is about personal growth, exploration and finding coping skills to enjoy life again. Therapy is not a place of coercion, confrontation or where only seriously mentally ill people seek treatment. Therapy is more like having a coach for the most important sport you can play…your life.
Good results in therapy are best attained when a person has a good rapport with the therapist, is highly motivated to change painful aspects of life, and has specific treatment goals he or she wishes to attain.
© Lois V. Nightingale, Ph.D., 2018 Clinical Psychologist, (lic. #PSY9503), Marriage, Family and Child Therapist (lic # MA21027), director of the Nightingale Center, author, national speaker and mother 714-993-5343
Is Your Child Facing Life-Style Changes?
What to say to your child when you are facing life-style changes:
1. Listen attentively. Their real concerns may not be what you think. Children are most concerned with aspects of change that affect them directly, like changing schools or after-school activities or friends. They may care very little who’s fault the change was or how upset the adults are unless they are pulled into taking sides.
2. Don’t try to talk them out of their feelings right away. It makes children feel you can’t handle seeing them upset and they will try to “protect” you by not sharing with you how they really feel in the future. Validate and paraphrase back what they say to you. Go easy on the evidence about why they should feel differently or want something you can’t give them.
3. Speak often about your own gratitude, even if you are also worried about financial changes. It’s okay to hold more than one feeling at a time. Children can benefit from having adults model that ambivalent feelings (feeling opposite emotions) are okay and do not need to be minimized or invalidated.
4. Find ways to help children learn to give to others (volunteer, give to the homeless, help another child at school, etc.). Volunteering is one of the best ways to help children build good self-esteem.
5. Tell stories of difficult times you have overcome in your life. Children love to hear stories about parents and grandparents’ childhoods, as long as they are not given as examples to shame or humiliate them (i.e., “I walked two miles to school in the snow and you shouldn’t complain about…”). Share your stories of courage and family ties.
6. This is the time to convey your spiritual values. Let your child know how you view the bigger picture. Do you believe you are guided? Provided for? Not alone? There are lessons and empowerment to be had?
7. State often and out loud the upside of the changes (i.e., We’ll have more time together. We’ll have a park nearby. We’ll get to see your cousins more often. etc.)
8. If children see you upset, let them know it is okay to feel scared, sad, angry… and hem know that you can “handle” it.
9. Try hard not to compare (how things were, what others have, what you could be doing, how their siblings or cousins are doing things better, etc.).
10. Be honest if something they want is not currently in the budget. Don’t shame them for having desires and wishes. And don’t make them responsible if you have to say “no”. Teach them you are strong enough to respect that they have age appropriate hopes and dreams and your saying “no” or “not now” is not their fault. Help them set up a long-term plan to get what they want.
11. Celebrate. Demonstrate joy. Have special acknowledgments for their accomplishments (They get to choose what’s for dessert. They get to eat on a special plate. Decorate their chair with their clothes and a cut out drawing of their face. Have a picnic outside in their honor.)
12. Keep some of their activities the same. With most changes there are a few things that can remain the same.
13. Help them keep a journal of their feelings and the changes they are facing. Be their scribe and write down their ideas at the end of the day. Help them cut out pictures from magazines and create a collage journal. Let them draw pictures of their feelings and daily events.
14. Take care of your own feelings. Don’t make children responsible to be your sounding board, or blame them for making you feel stressed. Don’t vent to them about whoever you believe to be at “fault”. Let children be children. Making child en an adult’s emotional peers robs them of the innocence and protection of childhood. Vent to adult friends or in support groups or to a therapist.
15. Forgive yourself. In every decision, you have done the best you could see to do at the time. Looking backwards we may see many other alternatives, but at the moment of decisions you did the best you could see to do at the time.
Dr. Lois Nightingale, Psychologist, PSY9503 714-993-5343
How Do I Know My child Needs Therapy?
Many adults now acknowledge the benefit of a supportive professional as they face the challenges a divorce inevitably brings. But many parents are unsure at what point their child may be exhibiting signs that indicate a need for professional counseling.
Many of these signs are similar to the symptoms adults experience when undergoing severe stress.
Sleep disturbances
Some children wake with nightmares or have great difficulty going to sleep, saying they are afraid (of monsters, burglars, ghosts, etc.). Other children may regress to earlier sleeping patterns, such as sleeping with a favorite object, wetting the bed, or sleeping in a parent’s room. Children may also withdraw and hide in sleeping, which is more likely in teenagers and sleep longer hours than usual.
Eating changes
Some children under severe stress have difficulty with appetite. They may find their stomach hurts or feels upset and they may appear more picky than usual or refuse to eat at certain meals. Other children may find solace in food and try to nurture themselves by eating sweets and high fat foods. Both are signs that a child is not addressing directly their feelings of stress, anxiety or possible depression.
School problems
Teachers can often tell when there are problems at home just by observing a child’s behavior at school. A child who was once very social may isolate or even push peers away. Children can become aggressive, exhibiting the interaction styles they have witnessed between their parents.
Withdrawal
Some children withdraw and isolate when they are afraid or upset. When isolating children may be doing things that help them feel better, such as writing, drawing or listening to music. But a child may be feeling alone, left out, frightened and obsessing about how out of control their life feels.
Outbursts of anger or destructive behavior
Children who have been holding in how they feel will let it out at some point. If outbursts of anger (verbal or physical) are modeled by either of the parents, children are more likely to let this anger out in similar ways. Children’s anger and frustration need to be heard, not “fixed” or reasoned away.
Trying hard to get parents to reconcile
It is very normal for children to want their parents back together, but if a child becomes fixated on this activity it can be a sign of severe stress and fear. Some children try to get their parents back together by being exceptionally good so parents won’t fight about them, others will act out to try to get parents to focus on them rather than the separation.
Becoming the “perfect” child or confidant
Some children cope with the stress of a divorce by trying to take the place of the absent parent. They may try to make life easier for a parent, and in return deny their own natural needs as a child. This robs a child of having a healthy childhood and can cause serious problems later on in life.
Coping with a difficult custody battle.
Custody battles can take a grave toll on children. Often they are pulled this way and that and may even be asked by the court with which parent they wish to live. A child entangled in a complicated custody battle can almost always use some outside help and counseling.
While some of these signs may appear for a short period of time and in mild forms during any divorce, if they are present for a significant period of time (weeks or months) it is important for the child to be evaluated by a professional therapist. Children usually feel comfortable with a therapist who specializes in treating children or has children of their own. A therapist working with children should also have supplies on hand to help children feel comfortable sharing their feelings. Some common therapy tools are, drawing materials, such as crayons, markers, colored pencils, puppets, books, sand tray and toys.
Remember it is always appropriate to ask several therapists questions about how they conduct therapy before choosing one for your child. A therapist with experience in working with children should help your child feel comfortable in their office. Both parents and children need extra support when going through the challenges of divorce.
© 2004 Lois V. Nightingale, Ph.D. psychologist psy9503
Clinical Psychologist, 714-993-5343
Director of Nightingale Center in Yorba Linda, California.
Author of “My Parents Still Love Me Even Though They’re Getting Divorced”