Model How to Cope with Stress for Your Children
What are you teaching your children in difficult times?
Children remember what parents modeled during times of stress. These unspoken lessons often become the unconscious habits they resort to as adults when encountering unexpected emotional blows.
You might even notice in yourself that in times of great stress you revert to those annoying coping skills once used in front of you by your own parents. Multi-generational habits are hard to break, but it is possible.
To model the skills you would like to make available to your children in tough situations you must pay attention to your reactions and view them through the eyes of your child. What might seem a very reasonable response to you as an adult, viewing the larger picture, may seem very frightening or confusing to a child. Children react to anger with fearfulness but interpret humor and playfulness as safety.
Tips for Modeling Stress Management for Your Children
Say things you are grateful for daily out loud in front of your children.
Speak about the future with hopefulness.
Tell stories about times you or your family has overcome adversity.
Let your children know how lucky you feel to have them.
Compliment yourself in front of your children for accomplishing things that were
Teach and model your spiritual beliefs.
Teach your children the excitement of doing things that are not driven by commercialism, i.e. being in nature, participating in creativity, contributing to those less fortunate, and activities that foster closeness and playfulness such as games or looking through photo albums.
Spend time with positive friends so your children get to be with you rejuvenated after you have vented to adult peers.
Help kids see the opportunity in challenges. Model this.
Express genuine curiosity about their lives.
Laugh out loud with them every day.
Do physical activities with them like walking, basketball, tennis, swimming, etc.
Eat dinner together and talk about positive things (not what you want them to change).
Make bedtime a fun calm time where you share stories, feelings and events of the day.
It doesn’t cost much to make lasting memories
Free things to do with kids:
Draw chalk pictures of events in your child’s life on cement outdoors (let them help).
Watch planes take off at a small airport.
Go to a train station, count the the trains that stop.
Visit a local Nature Center (Oak Canyon, Anaheim Hills).
Take your teen to a music store; learn about “their music”.
Make cornstarch “goo” (box of cornstarch & cup of water).
Make up fantasy fairy tales (take turns telling the next sentence of the story).
Go through old photo albums together, share stories.
Feed ducks at a park.
Eat dinner outside on a blanket.
Read books together, use silly voices.
Make an ant farm.
Blow bubbles together.
A hundred years from now the memories you made with a child will still matter.
Is Your Child Facing Life-Style Changes?
What to say to your child when you are facing life-style changes:
1. Listen attentively. Their real concerns may not be what you think. Children are most concerned with aspects of change that affect them directly, like changing schools or after-school activities or friends. They may care very little who’s fault the change was or how upset the adults are unless they are pulled into taking sides.
2. Don’t try to talk them out of their feelings right away. It makes children feel you can’t handle seeing them upset and they will try to “protect” you by not sharing with you how they really feel in the future. Validate and paraphrase back what they say to you. Go easy on the evidence about why they should feel differently or want something you can’t give them.
3. Speak often about your own gratitude, even if you are also worried about financial changes. It’s okay to hold more than one feeling at a time. Children can benefit from having adults model that ambivalent feelings (feeling opposite emotions) are okay and do not need to be minimized or invalidated.
4. Find ways to help children learn to give to others (volunteer, give to the homeless, help another child at school, etc.). Volunteering is one of the best ways to help children build good self-esteem.
5. Tell stories of difficult times you have overcome in your life. Children love to hear stories about parents and grandparents’ childhoods, as long as they are not given as examples to shame or humiliate them (i.e., “I walked two miles to school in the snow and you shouldn’t complain about…”). Share your stories of courage and family ties.
6. This is the time to convey your spiritual values. Let your child know how you view the bigger picture. Do you believe you are guided? Provided for? Not alone? There are lessons and empowerment to be had?
7. State often and out loud the upside of the changes (i.e., We’ll have more time together. We’ll have a park nearby. We’ll get to see your cousins more often. etc.)
8. If children see you upset, let them know it is okay to feel scared, sad, angry… and hem know that you can “handle” it.
9. Try hard not to compare (how things were, what others have, what you could be doing, how their siblings or cousins are doing things better, etc.).
10. Be honest if something they want is not currently in the budget. Don’t shame them for having desires and wishes. And don’t make them responsible if you have to say “no”. Teach them you are strong enough to respect that they have age appropriate hopes and dreams and your saying “no” or “not now” is not their fault. Help them set up a long-term plan to get what they want.
11. Celebrate. Demonstrate joy. Have special acknowledgments for their accomplishments (They get to choose what’s for dessert. They get to eat on a special plate. Decorate their chair with their clothes and a cut out drawing of their face. Have a picnic outside in their honor.)
12. Keep some of their activities the same. With most changes there are a few things that can remain the same.
13. Help them keep a journal of their feelings and the changes they are facing. Be their scribe and write down their ideas at the end of the day. Help them cut out pictures from magazines and create a collage journal. Let them draw pictures of their feelings and daily events.
14. Take care of your own feelings. Don’t make children responsible to be your sounding board, or blame them for making you feel stressed. Don’t vent to them about whoever you believe to be at “fault”. Let children be children. Making child en an adult’s emotional peers robs them of the innocence and protection of childhood. Vent to adult friends or in support groups or to a therapist.
15. Forgive yourself. In every decision, you have done the best you could see to do at the time. Looking backwards we may see many other alternatives, but at the moment of decisions you did the best you could see to do at the time.
Dr. Lois Nightingale, Psychologist, PSY9503 714-993-5343
How Do I Know My child Needs Therapy?
Many adults now acknowledge the benefit of a supportive professional as they face the challenges a divorce inevitably brings. But many parents are unsure at what point their child may be exhibiting signs that indicate a need for professional counseling.
Many of these signs are similar to the symptoms adults experience when undergoing severe stress.
Sleep disturbances
Some children wake with nightmares or have great difficulty going to sleep, saying they are afraid (of monsters, burglars, ghosts, etc.). Other children may regress to earlier sleeping patterns, such as sleeping with a favorite object, wetting the bed, or sleeping in a parent’s room. Children may also withdraw and hide in sleeping, which is more likely in teenagers and sleep longer hours than usual.
Eating changes
Some children under severe stress have difficulty with appetite. They may find their stomach hurts or feels upset and they may appear more picky than usual or refuse to eat at certain meals. Other children may find solace in food and try to nurture themselves by eating sweets and high fat foods. Both are signs that a child is not addressing directly their feelings of stress, anxiety or possible depression.
School problems
Teachers can often tell when there are problems at home just by observing a child’s behavior at school. A child who was once very social may isolate or even push peers away. Children can become aggressive, exhibiting the interaction styles they have witnessed between their parents.
Withdrawal
Some children withdraw and isolate when they are afraid or upset. When isolating children may be doing things that help them feel better, such as writing, drawing or listening to music. But a child may be feeling alone, left out, frightened and obsessing about how out of control their life feels.
Outbursts of anger or destructive behavior
Children who have been holding in how they feel will let it out at some point. If outbursts of anger (verbal or physical) are modeled by either of the parents, children are more likely to let this anger out in similar ways. Children’s anger and frustration need to be heard, not “fixed” or reasoned away.
Trying hard to get parents to reconcile
It is very normal for children to want their parents back together, but if a child becomes fixated on this activity it can be a sign of severe stress and fear. Some children try to get their parents back together by being exceptionally good so parents won’t fight about them, others will act out to try to get parents to focus on them rather than the separation.
Becoming the “perfect” child or confidant
Some children cope with the stress of a divorce by trying to take the place of the absent parent. They may try to make life easier for a parent, and in return deny their own natural needs as a child. This robs a child of having a healthy childhood and can cause serious problems later on in life.
Coping with a difficult custody battle.
Custody battles can take a grave toll on children. Often they are pulled this way and that and may even be asked by the court with which parent they wish to live. A child entangled in a complicated custody battle can almost always use some outside help and counseling.
While some of these signs may appear for a short period of time and in mild forms during any divorce, if they are present for a significant period of time (weeks or months) it is important for the child to be evaluated by a professional therapist. Children usually feel comfortable with a therapist who specializes in treating children or has children of their own. A therapist working with children should also have supplies on hand to help children feel comfortable sharing their feelings. Some common therapy tools are, drawing materials, such as crayons, markers, colored pencils, puppets, books, sand tray and toys.
Remember it is always appropriate to ask several therapists questions about how they conduct therapy before choosing one for your child. A therapist with experience in working with children should help your child feel comfortable in their office. Both parents and children need extra support when going through the challenges of divorce.
© 2004 Lois V. Nightingale, Ph.D. psychologist psy9503
Clinical Psychologist, 714-993-5343
Director of Nightingale Center in Yorba Linda, California.
Author of “My Parents Still Love Me Even Though They’re Getting Divorced”