Dating as a Single Parent
What are the qualities that a single parent should look for in someone they are deciding to date?
Playful, light and fun with kids. (Kids have an innate instinct about people. Watch
Doesn’t try to make the kids like activities they “should” like. Will accept a child’s declining to participate in an activity that he/she likes. Open to learning about your child’s activities and interests.
Doesn’t try to discipline kids. Setting rules, boundaries and giving consequences needs to be done by the biological parent.
Not jealous if you need to put the children first or when they need your attention. Childhood goes by very quickly. Give you children the attention they need. Help with homework, the chance to talk about their day, etc.
Willing to be introduced into the lives of the kids slowly.
Will accept your boundaries about how much affection you are comfortable with expressing in front of your kids, and at what pace. Progress slowly in the relationship, at least in front of your children.
Speaks to children respectfully but not patronizingly. Speaks to them in age-appropriate ways about topics of interest to kids not just to him/her. Never uses degrading or belittling language. Never calls anyone derogatory names.
Doesn’t want to exclusively do activities with children or only activities in which kids are excluded. A healthy relationship has a mix of adult-only and child-included activities.
Doesn’t scold, lecture or “should” you about how you interact with the children’s other parent.
Is patient when children express jealous and interfering behaviors.
Sees you as a competent adult and a devoted parent.
Understands all kids are different. Doesn’t compare your kids with his/her kids (or kids seen on TV!).
Able to be flexible with the unexpected and roll with the unplanned events that always seem to arise in a household with children.
Is there to hold you when you are missing your kids. Doesn’t try to talk you out of how you feel or rationalize away your sadness.
Understands that kids do grow up and that life-partners are together long after the kids have left home.
Willing to model respect and adoration for you in front of your children. It is good for kids to see their parent treated well by another adult.
Able to have open and non-defensive conversations about how you feel and what you want about your relationship and your children.
Willing to participate in family established rituals such as birthdays, holidays, etc.
Does not use alcohol to excess or drugs.
Able to apologize and model asking for forgiveness when he/she makes a mistake. Able to easily and quickly forgive when asked for forgiveness.
© 1998 Dr. Lois V. Nightingale, Clinical Psychologist (psy9503) and director of the Nightingale Center in Yorba Linda, Ca. Author of My Parents Still Love Me Even Though They’re Getting Divorced. 714-993-5343
Rights of Children of Divorce
Children have the right to:
1. Continue to love both parents without guilt or disapproval (subtle or overt) by either parent or other relatives.
2. Be repeatedly reassured that the divorce is not their fault.
3. Be reassured they are safe and their needs will be provided for.
4. Have a special place for their own belongings at both parents’ residences.
5. Visit both parents regardless of what the adults in the situation feel, and regardless of convenience, or money situations.
6. Express anger and sadness in their own way, according to age and personality (not have to give justification for their feelings or have to cope with trying to be talked out of their feelings by adults).
7. Not be messengers between parents; not to carry notes, legal papers, money or requests between parents.
8. Not make adult decisions, including where they will live, where and when they will be picked up or dropped off, or who is to blame.
9. Love as many people as they choose without being made to feel guilty or disloyal. (Loving and being loved by many people is good for children; there is not a limit on the number of people a child can love.)
10. Continue to be kids, i.e. not take on adult duties and responsibilities or become a parent’s special confidant, companion or comforter (i.e. not to hear repeatedly about financial problems or relationship difficulties).
11. Stay in contact with relatives, including grandparents and special family friends.
12. Choose to spend at least one week a year living apart from their custodial parent.
13. Not be on an airplane, train or bus on major holidays for the convenience of adults.
14. Have teachers and school informed about the new status of their family.
15. Have time with each parent doing activities that create a sense of closeness and special memories.
16. Have a daily and weekly routine that is predictable and can be verified by looking at a schedule on a calendar in a system understandable to the child. (For instance: a green line represents the scheduled time with dad, and a purple line represents the scheduled time with mom, etc.)
17. Participate in sports, special classes or clubs that support their unique interests, and have adults that will get them to these events, on time without guilt or shame.
18. Contact the absent parent and have phone conversations without eavesdropping or tape-recording.
19. Ask questions and have them answered respectfully with age-appropriate answers that do not include blaming or belittlements of anyone.
20. Be exposed to both parents’ religious ideas (without shame), hobbies, interests and tastes in food.
21. Have consistent and predictable boundaries in each home. (Although the rules in each house may differ significantly, each parent’s set of rules needs to be predictable within their household.)
22. Be protected from hearing adult arguments and disputes.
23. Have parents communicate (even if only in writing) about their medical treatment, psychological treatment, educational issues, accidents and illnesses.
24. Not be interrogated upon return from the other parent’s home or asked to spy in the other parent’s home.
25. Own pictures of both parents.
26. Choose to talk with a special adult about their concerns and issues (counselor, therapist or special friend).
© 2018, Lois V. Nightingale, Ph.D. psychologist psy9503, director of the Nightingale Center in Yorba Linda, Ca. and author of My Parents Still Love Me Even Though They’re Getting Divorced,
Building Resiliency in Children of Divorce
Building Resiliency in Children of Divorce
Resiliency, the ability to overcome serious hardships, has been researched and show to be a trait that can be fostered in children. When resiliency is nurtured and developed in children of divorce, it can reduce the negative effects of not only the disruption of the divorce, but it can also increase emotional strength for future disappointments in their lives.
Dr. Nightingale’s books can be found at amazon.com/author/loisnightingale