Talking to Your Kids about Politics
As the election nears, children may be exposed to the escalating political climate. Many parents have asked me what to say to their children about the current intense political scene.
Putting politics into terms children can understand goes a long way toward helping them understand the democratic process and take a healthy interest in what’s happening. A simple example can convey a lot.
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Every year when my cousin (also a Dr. Nightingale) and I were kids, we went to summer camp together. We were born two months apart and were even delivered in the same hospital. We grew up close and competitive.
At Pine Springs Ranch, each cabin of campers got to choose what merit badge they wanted to earn for the week. The badge was earned by the whole cabin participating in a daily activity and concluded with each of us getting an embroidered patch. Which patch we worked for was decided democratically, we all voted on it.
My cousin was an avid equestrian and loved riding. I loved swimming and the freedom of the water. At the beginning of each week, inside our beige-pink cabin “Chippewa,” we’d gather the girls around the wooden bunks.
“It’s going to be really hot this week,” I’d say. “I’m so glad we can go swimming.”
“The horse stables are closer than the pool,” My cousin would chime in.
The wide eyed, homesick girls watched us up on our two top bunks. We’d called dibs on them by unrolling our green sleeping bags out before any of the other girls arrived. We both sat crossed legged in matching culottes and pretend to search through the stashes of candy we’d each brought. Daddy Longleg spiders tiptoed up the walls. A lizard tail from some lucky reptile would be wedged between the slats on the wood floor.
“We’ll have to groom and brush horses,” I’d groan. “so we won’t get to ride much, bor-ing.”
“At least we wouldn’t have to hike to the other end of camp before we had any fun,” she’d retort. “And there’s something to do while you’re waiting your turn.”
I’d unwrap a Root Beer Barrel and she’d open an Abba-Zaba bar. And then we’d call for a vote. One of us usually called for a revote after the candy was distributed.
Some weeks we went swimming and some weeks we rode horses and did barrel racing. Summer camp was always fun, and even if one of us didn’t get our first choice at the merit badge activity, there were many other adventurous things to do each day.
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We are so fortunate to live in a country where we get to not only vote but we have freedom of speech and the press to discuss and share our different ideas. This is a precious privilege that much of the world doesn’t get to enjoy. Share a story with your child about competition, values, wishes and a fair vote that may or may not lead to what each individual wanted.
Talk to your children about the history of democracy https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/History_of_democracy and how a democracy is different from a monarchy, oligarchy, or theocracy, how communism differs from socialism, and what the constitution says about protecting our freedom. Help your child feel proud to live in a democracy, not to be afraid of their future and differing perspectives.
It is great to care about who the leaders of your country are. It’s patriotic to participate in campaigns and fund raising. Just be aware that when parents have strong opinions, what kids hear and how they interpret what they hear, may not be what parents expect. The most important ways children learn are by watching what’s modeled by those around them. Sometimes parents aren’t demonstrating exactly what they think they are.
When a child sees expressions of anger in the adults around them, they interpret these actions to mean there’s something to be afraid of. Anger and rage are always secondary emotions to fear. We exhibit anger when we don’t feel safe. Anger is protective. We only need protection when there is danger. A parent can help a child understand this by asking about times at school, or at sporting events with friends, when another child looked angry when they were really afraid. (Such as yelling and stomping off the field when they were afraid of being embarrassed, being benched or losing their position.)
When discussing ideals and values with your child try to explain what you are going toward rather than what you want to avoid. Children will be less afraid of statements like, “I want us to take care of our soldiers, they fight so bravely for our county,” rather than a fear-based statement like, “I want us to be able to fight off enemies that might attack us.”
Children see adults as strong and calm when the grown-ups talk about perusing positive dreams. Adults who rail against danger look scary and anxious. For instance, “I don’t want any women-hating politicians blocking women’s right to health care,” sounds scary. “I will always vote for women to have complete heath care for all their needs,” sounds strong. Talk about your beliefs by saying what you do want, not by talking about what you are afraid of and don’t want.
When a child asks you if something a candidate or announcer says is true, it is a great opportunity to teach them how to check out things for themselves and not just accept repeated statements as necessarily true. (Learning to question things for themselves, may one day keep your teenager safe from the whims of an impulsive peer.) Objective research sites such as Snopes.com, Politifact.com, FactCheck.org, washingtonpost.com/news/fact-checker.com, TruthOrFiction.com are easy to search, and besides confirming or disproving statements, you can find the sources of facts or hoaxes as well. Teach your child to be curious and to be willing to do the work of investigation, rather than just accepting what he/she is told.
Take advantage of your children’s curiosity and teach them skills that will serve them for the rest of their lives. Demonstrate courage, integrity, gratitude and tolerance for differences. We are blessed to be Americans.
Model How to Cope with Stress for Your Children
What are you teaching your children in difficult times?
Children remember what parents modeled during times of stress. These unspoken lessons often become the unconscious habits they resort to as adults when encountering unexpected emotional blows.
You might even notice in yourself that in times of great stress you revert to those annoying coping skills once used in front of you by your own parents. Multi-generational habits are hard to break, but it is possible.
To model the skills you would like to make available to your children in tough situations you must pay attention to your reactions and view them through the eyes of your child. What might seem a very reasonable response to you as an adult, viewing the larger picture, may seem very frightening or confusing to a child. Children react to anger with fearfulness but interpret humor and playfulness as safety.
Tips for Modeling Stress Management for Your Children
Say things you are grateful for daily out loud in front of your children.
Speak about the future with hopefulness.
Tell stories about times you or your family has overcome adversity.
Let your children know how lucky you feel to have them.
Compliment yourself in front of your children for accomplishing things that were
Teach and model your spiritual beliefs.
Teach your children the excitement of doing things that are not driven by commercialism, i.e. being in nature, participating in creativity, contributing to those less fortunate, and activities that foster closeness and playfulness such as games or looking through photo albums.
Spend time with positive friends so your children get to be with you rejuvenated after you have vented to adult peers.
Help kids see the opportunity in challenges. Model this.
Express genuine curiosity about their lives.
Laugh out loud with them every day.
Do physical activities with them like walking, basketball, tennis, swimming, etc.
Eat dinner together and talk about positive things (not what you want them to change).
Make bedtime a fun calm time where you share stories, feelings and events of the day.
It doesn’t cost much to make lasting memories
Free things to do with kids:
Draw chalk pictures of events in your child’s life on cement outdoors (let them help).
Watch planes take off at a small airport.
Go to a train station, count the the trains that stop.
Visit a local Nature Center (Oak Canyon, Anaheim Hills).
Take your teen to a music store; learn about “their music”.
Make cornstarch “goo” (box of cornstarch & cup of water).
Make up fantasy fairy tales (take turns telling the next sentence of the story).
Go through old photo albums together, share stories.
Feed ducks at a park.
Eat dinner outside on a blanket.
Read books together, use silly voices.
Make an ant farm.
Blow bubbles together.
A hundred years from now the memories you made with a child will still matter.
How Do I Know My child Needs Therapy?
Many adults now acknowledge the benefit of a supportive professional as they face the challenges a divorce inevitably brings. But many parents are unsure at what point their child may be exhibiting signs that indicate a need for professional counseling.
Many of these signs are similar to the symptoms adults experience when undergoing severe stress.
Sleep disturbances
Some children wake with nightmares or have great difficulty going to sleep, saying they are afraid (of monsters, burglars, ghosts, etc.). Other children may regress to earlier sleeping patterns, such as sleeping with a favorite object, wetting the bed, or sleeping in a parent’s room. Children may also withdraw and hide in sleeping, which is more likely in teenagers and sleep longer hours than usual.
Eating changes
Some children under severe stress have difficulty with appetite. They may find their stomach hurts or feels upset and they may appear more picky than usual or refuse to eat at certain meals. Other children may find solace in food and try to nurture themselves by eating sweets and high fat foods. Both are signs that a child is not addressing directly their feelings of stress, anxiety or possible depression.
School problems
Teachers can often tell when there are problems at home just by observing a child’s behavior at school. A child who was once very social may isolate or even push peers away. Children can become aggressive, exhibiting the interaction styles they have witnessed between their parents.
Withdrawal
Some children withdraw and isolate when they are afraid or upset. When isolating children may be doing things that help them feel better, such as writing, drawing or listening to music. But a child may be feeling alone, left out, frightened and obsessing about how out of control their life feels.
Outbursts of anger or destructive behavior
Children who have been holding in how they feel will let it out at some point. If outbursts of anger (verbal or physical) are modeled by either of the parents, children are more likely to let this anger out in similar ways. Children’s anger and frustration need to be heard, not “fixed” or reasoned away.
Trying hard to get parents to reconcile
It is very normal for children to want their parents back together, but if a child becomes fixated on this activity it can be a sign of severe stress and fear. Some children try to get their parents back together by being exceptionally good so parents won’t fight about them, others will act out to try to get parents to focus on them rather than the separation.
Becoming the “perfect” child or confidant
Some children cope with the stress of a divorce by trying to take the place of the absent parent. They may try to make life easier for a parent, and in return deny their own natural needs as a child. This robs a child of having a healthy childhood and can cause serious problems later on in life.
Coping with a difficult custody battle.
Custody battles can take a grave toll on children. Often they are pulled this way and that and may even be asked by the court with which parent they wish to live. A child entangled in a complicated custody battle can almost always use some outside help and counseling.
While some of these signs may appear for a short period of time and in mild forms during any divorce, if they are present for a significant period of time (weeks or months) it is important for the child to be evaluated by a professional therapist. Children usually feel comfortable with a therapist who specializes in treating children or has children of their own. A therapist working with children should also have supplies on hand to help children feel comfortable sharing their feelings. Some common therapy tools are, drawing materials, such as crayons, markers, colored pencils, puppets, books, sand tray and toys.
Remember it is always appropriate to ask several therapists questions about how they conduct therapy before choosing one for your child. A therapist with experience in working with children should help your child feel comfortable in their office. Both parents and children need extra support when going through the challenges of divorce.
© 2004 Lois V. Nightingale, Ph.D. psychologist psy9503
Clinical Psychologist, 714-993-5343
Director of Nightingale Center in Yorba Linda, California.
Author of “My Parents Still Love Me Even Though They’re Getting Divorced”
Discipline vs. Punishment
Every year that I’m in practice I see more and more children with anxiety. Anxiety is the clinical word for fear. An anxiety disorder just means that fear is high enough to meet diagnostic criteria for a psychiatric diagnosis.
No loving parent wants to raise a fearful child. Discipline comes from the Latin word for pupil, discipulus, the same root word as disciple. Discipline has nothing to do with scaring a child into compliance. Unfortunately, only in recent human history has society seen children as fully human, and so have come to question reliance on physical punishment and threats as beneficial methods of child-rearing. So, what are parents left with?
The ways in which a child is socialized (taught to conform to social norms) affects important parts of their developing brain differently. The specific methods used to train your child matter, neurologically. Fear and shame-based techniques light up the amygdala, the fight or flight center of the brain that reacts to danger. As a child develops, less-used synaptic connections are pruned and more-used pathways grow. For instance, babies utter all the sounds of all human speech. As they mimic their parents and learn to speak the language they hear, other sounds are lost, and the parts of the brain needed for those unused activities are pruned to allow more connections in the areas with more use.
When fear is the primary mode of getting a child to obey, some neurons connected to self-confidence, higher reasoning, and problem-solving in the cortex, are pruned, while fear centers grow, gaining more neural connections. The more a child experiences fear, the more they are hard-wired to interpret life experiences as dangerous.
Healthy coping skills, pride in one’s own abilities, and courage to try new things, come from pruning fear centers and enhancing the competing neurological connections in the higher centers of the brain.
Your first impulse to scare your child into compliance, may not be the best use of a learning moment. Helping your child develop self-confidence and resiliency, rather than fear and anxiety, takes time, patience and thinking ahead of your child.
When my son was eleven, he complained that what his teachers were requiring of him was ridiculous and that he would never use that information in his life. I had him watch The Karate Kid and write a page essay on why he thought Mr. Miyagi had Daniel, “Wax on, wax off.” In his own words, he found the lesson I wanted him to learn by observing the storyline of the movie. Each week, my son had to earn his computer time. When issues arose, I used them to help him gain new useful information, not to scare him. He learned to love academics and analytical thinking and is now a successful trial attorney.
This isn’t always easy. Focusing on teaching new, self-awareness skills, vs. scaring, shamming or trying to make your child feel as upset as you feel when they misbehave, will help you generate many new ideas.
For instance, if your child did not comply with picking up their dishes or cleaning their room, helping them join a volunteer day of beach cleanup, can offer together time and a sense of how not cleaning up after one’s self can get out of hand and became a burden to others.
If your child is being inappropriate online, help them develop online skills that will assist them in life. Writing an essay (with citations—not from Wikipedia!) on how to determine if a news story is real, partially real, or completely false, can give them discernment and critical thinking skills.
Time together, can help develop tools towards self-confidence instead of fear-based parenting. Volunteer opportunities, emotionally-safe conversations, genuine curiosity, creative projects, travel, museums, art exhibits, or long nature walks, even well-chosen movies or live theater, can all provide opportunities to talk about painful emotions behind inappropriate behaviors and find healthy, socially appropriate ways to handle those feelings.
Most of all, model how you would like your child to behave and talk. “Do as I say, not as I do,” has never worked as a parenting tool. Your child is watching how you respond. Lead with compassion and teaching, not with your own anxiety and fear.
Model positive ways of learning new coping skills, and how to take responsibility for your own feelings. Don’t make others responsible for your uncomfortable emotions. Model curiosity over judgement, humor over criticism, patience over impulsivity, planning over a last-minute rush, and gratitude over complaining.
If changing old habits is difficult, working with a therapist to set up new systems in the family may be beneficial. A psychologist or other licensed therapist may have tools you haven’t thought of.
That look of fear and anger in your child’s eyes when they haven’t pleased you, can be replaced with curiosity, problem solving, closeness and pride in themselves for their newly learned skills. Create joy, a sense of competency and self-worth. Help discipline the higher neurological connections that give your child the best tools for living a great life.
Recommended books:
How to Talk So Kids Will Listen & Listen So Kids Will Talk
Compassionate Child-Rearing: An In-Depth Approach to Optimal Parenting
Lois V. Nightingale, Ph.D.
Psychologist PSY9503
Marriage, Family Child Therapist MA21027
714-993-5343
