Top Ten Tips to Help Your Child Through Divorce
1. BE HONEST. Don’t lead your child to believe “Dad’s away on business” or “everything is going to be wonderful”. Children are very perceptive. They know if a parent is trying to hide something, even if the purpose is to spare their feelings. Children need simple straight-forward answers they can understand, without blame or making anyone wrong or bad.
2. LET YOUR CHILD KNOW IT IS NOT THEIR FAULT. All children assume they may be responsible for their parents’ break-up. Children need to be gently reassured repeatedly over the first couple of years that the divorce is an adult decision having nothing to do with them or their behavior.
3. LISTEN QUIETLY. Children have many questions, feelings, assumptions and concerns
about divorce. Many parents find it difficult to just sit quietly and listen to their children talk without trying to interrupt with a “fix-it” statement. Children need to feel heard with quiet patience and undivided attention.
4. LET YOUR CHILD KNOW however they respond to the divorce is OK. Many children hide their feelings of sadness, grief, anger or confusion because they are afraid expressing these feelings will upset their parents. Children need to know all their feelings are acceptable.
5. LET YOUR CHILD KNOW IT IS NORMAL for them to want their parents to get back together again. Children can feel ashamed about this very normal wish. You can explain to your child that once divorced, it is very unlikely that people ever get back together, but their wish for reconciliation is very normal.
6. REASSURE your child of personal safety. Many children are concerned if their parents divorce there will not be enough food or shelter or clothing for them. Children living with single mothers may also need reassurance that she has a plan to protect them in case of fire, “burglars” or “ghosts”.
7. ASK YOUR CHILD about friends of theirs whose parents are divorced. This is a good way to learn of your child’s fears and assumptions about divorced parents, and gives you the opportunity to clear up any misconceptions and remind them that other children have gone through what they are now going through.
8. DON’T put your child in the middle or try to make them take sides. Don’t say anything about your ex in ear-shot of your child. Don’t have your child carry messages to your ex. Children need to be able to love both parents. If one parent is disapproving of affection a child expresses toward the other parent, the child will begin to withdraw, become dishonest or depressed.
9. SPEND TIME with caring friends. Having a supportive network can protect your child from becoming your confidant and feeling responsible for your emotional well-being. It can also give you a higher frustration tolerance for the normal everyday things kids do.
10. READ TOGETHER and talk about a book on divorce for children. This will help you explain important facts to your child and help your child formulate questions they might otherwise not have words for. A wonderful interactive book to read with your child is My Parents Still Love Me Even Though They’re Getting Divorced, written by Dr. Lois V. Nightingale.
If you are feeling overwhelmed, anxious, depressed, or stuck, GET PROFESSIONAL HELP. Therapy can provide a safe, supportive environment in which you can gain insight, learn problem solving skills and find solutions to dealing with the anger and pain of separation and divorce.
Dr. Lois V. Nightingale is a clinical psychologist (psy9503) director of the Nightingale Counseling Center in Yorba Linda Ca., and the author of My Parents Still Love Me Even Though They’re Getting Divorced, a story/workbook that helps children better understand divorce and what they can do to feel better. She can be reached at 714-993-5343
Ten Ways to Help Your Grandchild Through a Divorce.
Don’t disparage your ex-son or daughter-in law in front of your grandchildren. Make sure they are not in earshot when talking about their parents on the phone as well.
Remember holidays. An important role of a grandparent is to celebrate and help create memories. These celebrations may look different than you had once imagined for your family, but if you keep the grandchildren’s interests first, you will be creating memorable and wonderful family traditions. (Even a home-baked box of cookies mailed at certain times of the year can become a cherished childhood memory that lets a child know they are always loved.)
Be a good listener. Your grandchild may be surrounded by chaos and angry adults, you may provide the only place where they can really feel heard. You are someone who has the time to listen without trying to “fix” it. A loving ear can get a child through a lot!
Set up your expectations for their behavior before they arrive. You will probably have different rules than their parents do, children can adapt so long as these rules are specifically stated (writing them down is a great idea). A household where there are five compliments to every directive (i.e. “get your feet off the coffee table”) is an environment where children will thrive. A reward based “star chart” can help make this easier.
Become the unbiased, non-judgmental confidant children need in a loving authority. Their parents may be too wounded emotionally and unable to be unconditionally present for them. A special relationship with a grandparent can make all the difference to a child facing change.
Don’t sabotage agreements set up by either parent. If one parent has made arrangements for the child to attend a special class (dance, soccer, etc.) make your plans accordingly. If the child knows they must finish their homework before they can go out to play, don’t let them off easy just because you feel sorry for them in their situation.
Let your grandchildren know however they are feeling is OK. Many children are told that they “shouldn’t” feel this or that or adults feel guilty that a child is in pain so they try to talk them out of it. This only adds to the child feeling unheard. Even wanting their parents’ back together is a normal desire or children in this circumstance.
Tell your grandchildren stories about challenges you have faced and overcome in your life. Help them see you as someone who believes things will be all right and that they are safe. Focus on the positive.
Share your spiritual beliefs with them in a fun non-judgmental way. If you find rejuvenation in nature take them for a walk or to the beach. If you find tranquility in music share that love with them. Help your grandchildren connect to the quiet place inside themselves.
10. Read together during a quiet time before they go to bed or in-between activities during the day. Reading children’s books about feelings or how other children have coped with the upheaval of divorce will help them find words to ask you the questions they need to have answered. My Parents Still Love Me Even Though They’re Getting Divorced, is a story/workbook that helps children better understand divorce and what they can do to feel better. This book can be obtained at Amazon.
Dr. Lois Nightingale, Psychologist PSY9503 714-993-5343
Dating as a Single Parent
What are the qualities that a single parent should look for in someone they are deciding to date?
Playful, light and fun with kids. (Kids have an innate instinct about people. Watch
Doesn’t try to make the kids like activities they “should” like. Will accept a child’s declining to participate in an activity that he/she likes. Open to learning about your child’s activities and interests.
Doesn’t try to discipline kids. Setting rules, boundaries and giving consequences needs to be done by the biological parent.
Not jealous if you need to put the children first or when they need your attention. Childhood goes by very quickly. Give you children the attention they need. Help with homework, the chance to talk about their day, etc.
Willing to be introduced into the lives of the kids slowly.
Will accept your boundaries about how much affection you are comfortable with expressing in front of your kids, and at what pace. Progress slowly in the relationship, at least in front of your children.
Speaks to children respectfully but not patronizingly. Speaks to them in age-appropriate ways about topics of interest to kids not just to him/her. Never uses degrading or belittling language. Never calls anyone derogatory names.
Doesn’t want to exclusively do activities with children or only activities in which kids are excluded. A healthy relationship has a mix of adult-only and child-included activities.
Doesn’t scold, lecture or “should” you about how you interact with the children’s other parent.
Is patient when children express jealous and interfering behaviors.
Sees you as a competent adult and a devoted parent.
Understands all kids are different. Doesn’t compare your kids with his/her kids (or kids seen on TV!).
Able to be flexible with the unexpected and roll with the unplanned events that always seem to arise in a household with children.
Is there to hold you when you are missing your kids. Doesn’t try to talk you out of how you feel or rationalize away your sadness.
Understands that kids do grow up and that life-partners are together long after the kids have left home.
Willing to model respect and adoration for you in front of your children. It is good for kids to see their parent treated well by another adult.
Able to have open and non-defensive conversations about how you feel and what you want about your relationship and your children.
Willing to participate in family established rituals such as birthdays, holidays, etc.
Does not use alcohol to excess or drugs.
Able to apologize and model asking for forgiveness when he/she makes a mistake. Able to easily and quickly forgive when asked for forgiveness.
© 1998 Dr. Lois V. Nightingale, Clinical Psychologist (psy9503) and director of the Nightingale Center in Yorba Linda, Ca. Author of My Parents Still Love Me Even Though They’re Getting Divorced. 714-993-5343
Rights of Children of Divorce
Children have the right to:
1. Continue to love both parents without guilt or disapproval (subtle or overt) by either parent or other relatives.
2. Be repeatedly reassured that the divorce is not their fault.
3. Be reassured they are safe and their needs will be provided for.
4. Have a special place for their own belongings at both parents’ residences.
5. Visit both parents regardless of what the adults in the situation feel, and regardless of convenience, or money situations.
6. Express anger and sadness in their own way, according to age and personality (not have to give justification for their feelings or have to cope with trying to be talked out of their feelings by adults).
7. Not be messengers between parents; not to carry notes, legal papers, money or requests between parents.
8. Not make adult decisions, including where they will live, where and when they will be picked up or dropped off, or who is to blame.
9. Love as many people as they choose without being made to feel guilty or disloyal. (Loving and being loved by many people is good for children; there is not a limit on the number of people a child can love.)
10. Continue to be kids, i.e. not take on adult duties and responsibilities or become a parent’s special confidant, companion or comforter (i.e. not to hear repeatedly about financial problems or relationship difficulties).
11. Stay in contact with relatives, including grandparents and special family friends.
12. Choose to spend at least one week a year living apart from their custodial parent.
13. Not be on an airplane, train or bus on major holidays for the convenience of adults.
14. Have teachers and school informed about the new status of their family.
15. Have time with each parent doing activities that create a sense of closeness and special memories.
16. Have a daily and weekly routine that is predictable and can be verified by looking at a schedule on a calendar in a system understandable to the child. (For instance: a green line represents the scheduled time with dad, and a purple line represents the scheduled time with mom, etc.)
17. Participate in sports, special classes or clubs that support their unique interests, and have adults that will get them to these events, on time without guilt or shame.
18. Contact the absent parent and have phone conversations without eavesdropping or tape-recording.
19. Ask questions and have them answered respectfully with age-appropriate answers that do not include blaming or belittlements of anyone.
20. Be exposed to both parents’ religious ideas (without shame), hobbies, interests and tastes in food.
21. Have consistent and predictable boundaries in each home. (Although the rules in each house may differ significantly, each parent’s set of rules needs to be predictable within their household.)
22. Be protected from hearing adult arguments and disputes.
23. Have parents communicate (even if only in writing) about their medical treatment, psychological treatment, educational issues, accidents and illnesses.
24. Not be interrogated upon return from the other parent’s home or asked to spy in the other parent’s home.
25. Own pictures of both parents.
26. Choose to talk with a special adult about their concerns and issues (counselor, therapist or special friend).
© 2018, Lois V. Nightingale, Ph.D. psychologist psy9503, director of the Nightingale Center in Yorba Linda, Ca. and author of My Parents Still Love Me Even Though They’re Getting Divorced,