Lois Nightingale 5/16/19 Lois Nightingale 5/16/19

Dating as a Single Parent

What are the qualities that a single parent should look for in someone they are deciding to date?

Playful, light and fun with kids. (Kids have an innate instinct about people. Watch
Doesn’t try to make the kids like activities they “should” like. Will accept a child’s declining to participate in an activity that he/she likes. Open to learning about your child’s activities and interests.
Doesn’t try to discipline kids. Setting rules, boundaries and giving consequences needs to be done by the biological parent.
Not jealous if you need to put the children first or when they need your attention. Childhood goes by very quickly. Give you children the attention they need. Help with homework, the chance to talk about their day, etc.
Willing to be introduced into the lives of the kids slowly.
Will accept your boundaries about how much affection you are comfortable with expressing in front of your kids, and at what pace. Progress slowly in the relationship, at least in front of your children.
Speaks to children respectfully but not patronizingly. Speaks to them in age-appropriate ways about topics of interest to kids not just to him/her. Never uses degrading or belittling language. Never calls anyone derogatory names.
Doesn’t want to exclusively do activities with children or only activities in which kids are excluded. A healthy relationship has a mix of adult-only and child-included activities.
Doesn’t scold, lecture or “should” you about how you interact with the children’s other parent.
Is patient when children express jealous and interfering behaviors.
Sees you as a competent adult and a devoted parent.
Understands all kids are different. Doesn’t compare your kids with his/her kids (or kids seen on TV!).
Able to be flexible with the unexpected and roll with the unplanned events that always seem to arise in a household with children.
Is there to hold you when you are missing your kids. Doesn’t try to talk you out of how you feel or rationalize away your sadness.
Understands that kids do grow up and that life-partners are together long after the kids have left home.
Willing to model respect and adoration for you in front of your children. It is good for kids to see their parent treated well by another adult.
Able to have open and non-defensive conversations about how you feel and what you want about your relationship and your children.
Willing to participate in family established rituals such as birthdays, holidays, etc.
Does not use alcohol to excess or drugs.
Able to apologize and model asking for forgiveness when he/she makes a mistake. Able to easily and quickly forgive when asked for forgiveness.

© 1998 Dr. Lois V. Nightingale, Clinical Psychologist (psy9503) and director of the Nightingale Center in Yorba Linda, Ca. Author of My Parents Still Love Me Even Though They’re Getting Divorced. 714-993-5343

Lois Nightingale 9/12/18 Lois Nightingale 9/12/18

For Teen Girls: How to Choose a Good Guy

How does he treat his friends? How does he speak about his friends? (He will probably treat you and speak about you the same way eventually.)
How does he speak about his family, especially his mother? (He will work out his problems with his family on you after you have been with him awhile.)
Does he encourage you to spend time with your friends? (Nothing is worse than a controlling guy.)
Does he encourage you to go after your dreams and goals? (A good guy will not be afraid of you changing and will be excited when you have opportunities to get what you want.)
Does he have goals? (It is great to feel loved and adored, but only by a guy with ambition who is heading somewhere.)
Does he blame or take responsibility for his feelings? (Who does he say is responsible for something he lost, etc? If he always blames someone else for things that happen to him he will eventually be blaming you for how he feels when he is upset.)
Does he let you have some of the spotlight or does he only talk about himself all the time? (A guy who feels good about himself is great, but he should also be proud of you and what is interesting to you.)
Does he have an active spiritual basis? (You want to know he doesn’t think he is the center of the universe.)
Can he accept people different from himself? (Self-confident guys know there are many kinds of people in the world, and this does not threaten them.)
Is he generous with time, compliments, help, money, information, etc? (Stinginess is a sign of fearfulness.)
Can he express how he feels and what he wants? (Guys have a hard time with this, but he should be able to do it once in awhile.)
Does he have good hygiene and show good self-care? (How he feels about himself will show in how he cares for himself.)
Does he think using drugs or drinking is cool? (A guy who numbs his feelings with chemicals will be a lousy boyfriend.)
Is he jealous and makes you tell him where you are all the time? (A jealous guy is insecure and scared that he isn’t a “good catch.” He feels you could do better than him. You can.)
Does he have good ways of dealing with his anger? (If not, he will eventually turn his outbursts on you.)

Small minds talk about other people.
Average minds talk about things.
Great minds talk about ideas.