Talking to Your Kids about Politics
As the election nears, children may be exposed to the escalating political climate. Many parents have asked me what to say to their children about the current intense political scene.
Putting politics into terms children can understand goes a long way toward helping them understand the democratic process and take a healthy interest in what’s happening. A simple example can convey a lot.
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Every year when my cousin (also a Dr. Nightingale) and I were kids, we went to summer camp together. We were born two months apart and were even delivered in the same hospital. We grew up close and competitive.
At Pine Springs Ranch, each cabin of campers got to choose what merit badge they wanted to earn for the week. The badge was earned by the whole cabin participating in a daily activity and concluded with each of us getting an embroidered patch. Which patch we worked for was decided democratically, we all voted on it.
My cousin was an avid equestrian and loved riding. I loved swimming and the freedom of the water. At the beginning of each week, inside our beige-pink cabin “Chippewa,” we’d gather the girls around the wooden bunks.
“It’s going to be really hot this week,” I’d say. “I’m so glad we can go swimming.”
“The horse stables are closer than the pool,” My cousin would chime in.
The wide eyed, homesick girls watched us up on our two top bunks. We’d called dibs on them by unrolling our green sleeping bags out before any of the other girls arrived. We both sat crossed legged in matching culottes and pretend to search through the stashes of candy we’d each brought. Daddy Longleg spiders tiptoed up the walls. A lizard tail from some lucky reptile would be wedged between the slats on the wood floor.
“We’ll have to groom and brush horses,” I’d groan. “so we won’t get to ride much, bor-ing.”
“At least we wouldn’t have to hike to the other end of camp before we had any fun,” she’d retort. “And there’s something to do while you’re waiting your turn.”
I’d unwrap a Root Beer Barrel and she’d open an Abba-Zaba bar. And then we’d call for a vote. One of us usually called for a revote after the candy was distributed.
Some weeks we went swimming and some weeks we rode horses and did barrel racing. Summer camp was always fun, and even if one of us didn’t get our first choice at the merit badge activity, there were many other adventurous things to do each day.
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We are so fortunate to live in a country where we get to not only vote but we have freedom of speech and the press to discuss and share our different ideas. This is a precious privilege that much of the world doesn’t get to enjoy. Share a story with your child about competition, values, wishes and a fair vote that may or may not lead to what each individual wanted.
Talk to your children about the history of democracy https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/History_of_democracy and how a democracy is different from a monarchy, oligarchy, or theocracy, how communism differs from socialism, and what the constitution says about protecting our freedom. Help your child feel proud to live in a democracy, not to be afraid of their future and differing perspectives.
It is great to care about who the leaders of your country are. It’s patriotic to participate in campaigns and fund raising. Just be aware that when parents have strong opinions, what kids hear and how they interpret what they hear, may not be what parents expect. The most important ways children learn are by watching what’s modeled by those around them. Sometimes parents aren’t demonstrating exactly what they think they are.
When a child sees expressions of anger in the adults around them, they interpret these actions to mean there’s something to be afraid of. Anger and rage are always secondary emotions to fear. We exhibit anger when we don’t feel safe. Anger is protective. We only need protection when there is danger. A parent can help a child understand this by asking about times at school, or at sporting events with friends, when another child looked angry when they were really afraid. (Such as yelling and stomping off the field when they were afraid of being embarrassed, being benched or losing their position.)
When discussing ideals and values with your child try to explain what you are going toward rather than what you want to avoid. Children will be less afraid of statements like, “I want us to take care of our soldiers, they fight so bravely for our county,” rather than a fear-based statement like, “I want us to be able to fight off enemies that might attack us.”
Children see adults as strong and calm when the grown-ups talk about perusing positive dreams. Adults who rail against danger look scary and anxious. For instance, “I don’t want any women-hating politicians blocking women’s right to health care,” sounds scary. “I will always vote for women to have complete heath care for all their needs,” sounds strong. Talk about your beliefs by saying what you do want, not by talking about what you are afraid of and don’t want.
When a child asks you if something a candidate or announcer says is true, it is a great opportunity to teach them how to check out things for themselves and not just accept repeated statements as necessarily true. (Learning to question things for themselves, may one day keep your teenager safe from the whims of an impulsive peer.) Objective research sites such as Snopes.com, Politifact.com, FactCheck.org, washingtonpost.com/news/fact-checker.com, TruthOrFiction.com are easy to search, and besides confirming or disproving statements, you can find the sources of facts or hoaxes as well. Teach your child to be curious and to be willing to do the work of investigation, rather than just accepting what he/she is told.
Take advantage of your children’s curiosity and teach them skills that will serve them for the rest of their lives. Demonstrate courage, integrity, gratitude and tolerance for differences. We are blessed to be Americans.
Simple Ways to Rekindle Romance
1. Write a paragraph recalling the events, things you noticed and the way you felt when the two of you first met. Leave it on his/her mirror, car seat or pillow.
2. Drive to a quiet place together, pull out 3 or 4 sealed envelopes, have him/her open the envelope of his/her choice and read the agenda for the evening, i.e. dinner and a movie, your favorite juice bar and a comedy club, or Chinese take-out at the park then listening to music at a coffee house, etc.
3. Write 31 things you admire about him/her put them in a decorative container and have them read one out loud every morning for a month.
4. If you don’t have a “your song” choose one, if you, do choose a special one for “Valentines Day 2000” or an “our make-up” song, create an occasion for a special song. Present him/her with the CD or tape.
5. Write a note stating three ways the world is a better place because he/she is in it. Give the note with a single stem flower and say, “you are one of a kind.”
6. Using his/her first name create an acronym with words that describe him/her i.e.; Lisa and Mark:
Loving Marvelous Inspiring Adventurous Sexy Rowdy Adorable Kind
7. Say “Thank you”, express gratitude and appreciation often, be sure to give compliments at least five times as often as criticisms.
8. Create a romantic treasure hunt with loving notes or gifts at each stop and detailed instructions to the next location. Have the final destination be a quiet restaurant, candle-lit bubble bath, or a massage in bed with warmed oil.
9. Remember that intimacy may mean different things to men and women. Read John Gray’s Men Are From Mars Women Are From Venus out loud to each other. Respectfully talk about what makes each of you feel close to the other. Remember, feeling safe and unconditionally accepted lead both men and women to feeling loved and special.
10. Allow yourself to be vulnerable. Gently and directly reveal how you feel and what you want. Comment out loud on the things he/she does that lead you to feel special and important to him/her. Give yourself the right to own your feelings and dreams without justification or providing “evidence.” If you are comfortable with how you feel and what you want others will also be more comfortable with you.
© 2018 Dr. Lois Nightingale, Psychologist (psy9503) and Director of the Nightingale Center in Yorba Linda, Calif. (714) 993-5343
It’s a Bedroom not a Boardroom
It’s a Bedroom not a Boardroom
It’s a Bedroom not a Board Room Protect Your Relationship from Being Damaged by Business Strategy, provides specific communication skills for business leaders and their partners.
As a psychologist for over 30 years, Dr. Lois Nightingale discovered that the clients who found business skills a second nature, often had more difficulty connecting with loved ones at home. When trouble showed up in other areas of life, they’d wrangled it into submission, usually at a profit. When they finally landed in therapy they were on the verge of ending another relationship, financing another divorce, or facing the thing they hated most: appearing to fail.
It was as if they were trying to find their way around New York City with a map of Chicago. The map was accurate, but when applied to a different city it was misleading, even dangerous.
Finding one’s way around with an inappropriate map is impossible, yet that’s what many couples try to do when they apply the skills they’ve come to trust in business to their personal intimate relationships.
This book is an instruction guide for people who’ve been using a great map, but in the wrong arena. This book provides a useful map that will get you where you want to be on the relationship field.
Dr. Nightingale shares the specific strategies she teaches entrepreneurs, executives and their partners in therapy. These are outlined against the backdrop of her own family’s history of doing business in America and her own personal relationship journey.
Read about what she tells her clients behind closed doors when they ask her why their personal relationships are falling apart when they’re so effective in other areas of their lives. Then practice with the exercises at the end of each chapter and lower defensiveness and increase closeness and passion in your own relationship.