Nightingale Center

Many people start the New Year with resolutions of change, commitments to do things differently and the desire to form new habits. Very few people are able to keep these resolutions for more than a few days or weeks. But there are people who do make significant lifestyle changes and maintain these for life or until they decide to replace them with another behavior they have chosen. The following is a list of straightforward and pragmatic tools to initiate desired changes and turn these into habits that maintain themselves over time.

1. Be very specific about your desired goal. Write down specifically what you want to accomplish. “I want to do aerobic exercise 3 times a week for 20 minutes” not “I want to start exercising.”

2. Write out an affirmation statement identifying yourself as already accomplishing your goal. “I am now a non-smoker,” not “I will stop smoking.” Make sure this statement is in the positive tense, “I will eat healthy food,” not “I will not eat chocolate.”

3. Keep your goal “in the front of your mind,” by reading your affirmative statement often, at least upon waking in the morning and as you are going to bed at night.

4. Write out the benefits of accomplishing your goal (your friends will be happy you are on time, your children won’t have to be around second-hand smoke, you can fit into those clothes you love, etc.)

5. Set up small attainable approximations to your goal. Instead of vowing to read two books a week set a goal of reading 15 minutes a day. Cutting goals in “bit-sized” chunks can increase your feelings of success and propel you on to your desired outcome.

6. Spend time with people who have already established the new habit you wish to develop. For example, if you wish to stop drinking being around people who are sober will help.

7. Give yourself rewards for maintaining your new behavior. (Hourly or daily if necessary) Write a promise to yourself such as; “When I have gone to the gym 5 times I will buy myself a new pair of gym shoes, after 10 times a new work-out outfit.”

8. Remind yourself of a past habit that you have successfully changed. This can help you define yourself as capable of changing old patterns that no longer serve you.

9. Make a joint commitment with another supportive person who is also working toward a similar goal. For instance, scheduling time with a workout partner will increase your commitment level because someone else is depending on you.

10. Make a verbal commitment to your goal by sharing it with supportive friends or family members. This builds more expectation and accountability regarding new intentions.

11. Read books or listen to tapes on the subject you are trying to modify. If good time management is your goal spend your driving time listening to tapes on this subject. Staying enthusiastic is a big part of changing a habit.

12. Even if you fall back into old habits be gentle with yourself. Start each day fresh and don’t be afraid to start again. Failure isn’t falling down, it’s staying down after you fall.

We all have the ability to create new habits and lifestyle changes in ourselves. Stay focused on your goal, enthusiastic and surround yourself with encouragement and support.

For further information on this topic you can read:

The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People: Powerful Lessons in Personal Change
By Stephen R. Covey

1. Decide on the fun energizing relatives you do want to spend time with and seek them out upon your arrival.

2. Know how long you plan to stay before you arrive. Let your host know when you expect to leave. Schedule another stop right after the event so you feel you have a good reason to leave when you said you were going to.

3. Don’t walk into the unexpected. Know who is going to be there. Bring someone with you.

4. Create an “escape word” or phrase so that your partner, spouse or friend will help you make a quick exit if the need arises. “Didn’t we need to call your uncle before 7:30?” will work just fine.

5. Don’t arrive overly hungry. Low blood sugar makes anxiety worse and can make the best intentions turn cranky.

6. Get enough sleep. Exhaustion during the holidays makes every little disappointment seem monumental. Make sure you are rested before socializing with a difficult relative.

7. Do not drink too much. Chemically lowering your inhibitions may lead you to say things or start things you will regret later.

8. Don’t try to convince or educate the difficult relative. This is not the time to “train” them to act appropriately. “Constructive criticism” will only be taken as judgment and belittlement. Remember the only person you can ever change is yourself!

9. Leave the past in the past (even if it was just last week). Try to be present for this specific event. (You can always pick up your resentment again after the holidays.)

10. Don’t defend yourself or others against current or past accusations. Allow the difficult relative to hold a “misconception” of you or a loved one. They really don’t need to “understand.” Defensive evidence will just be seen as an invitation to debate “facts.” If challenged, walk away, engage with others or leave.

11. If you have done something that you are embarrassed about, forgive yourself. The faster you show compassion for yourself the easier it will be to have compassion for your difficult relative.

12. Don’t personalize inappropriate behavior. Your difficult relative may have the disease of addiction or a mental illness, and probably treats many people just the way they treat you. Remember it’s “not about you.”

Give yourself credit for making the holiday memories you wish to remember!

c 2011 Lois V. Nightingale Psychologist PSY9403

714-993-5343

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12 Tips for Dealing with a Difficult Relative At a Holiday Event

Coping with Holiday Stress and Depression